This is my story about how I was able to learn to love my body and its capabilities to overcome an Eating Disorder (ED).

Thinking Back

Growing up, I was someone who was always in a sport or some type of activity. Being an active kid it was important to get the proper nutrition and eat lots of food not only to fuel my energy for activities but also for my growing body! Although I ate a TON, I always was a relatively thin kid due to my genes and active lifestyle but I never thought anything of my size or how I looked until I went to high school. It was at this point that I started to think about my body differently.

I was used to getting comments such as, “You are soooo lucky you don’t have to try to look like that” or “I can’t imagine you ever gaining weight, your whole family is skinny!”. But these comments never bothered me before because I had always heard them, so why did I start thinking about them differently now? Maybe it had to do with social media and seeing what so many others looked like, maybe it was because I had to compete with other girls for boys’ attention all of a sudden, maybe it was because all of a sudden my body was changing in a way it never had before hormonally. There were so many factors that I didn’t understand and they all added up to me thinking more about my body image more than ever before.

Mindset Shift

My mindset started to change when it came to playing sports and exercising. I was no longer focused on my strength or winning and my competitive side slowly began to fade. Rather than thinking about how I want to win and be the best at what I do, I thought about the amount of calories I would burn in each workout and how many steps I was getting. I couldn’t escape the thought that everyone was always looking at my body and judging how I looked. When my friends would comment on how skinny I was and how good I looked, it gave me a sort of validation that my workouts were paying off and straining my body through exercise multiple hours of the day was good for me. If other people didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing, then why should I?

At that point in time, my parents were still very much in control of my diet and eating since I was living at home. They prepared healthy and nutritious meals for me breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as leaving snacks for us in between so that we could have something quick between school and sports. However, this changed when I went to college and was on my own.

On My Own

I was so excited to move out of the house and be on my own when I left for college. The independence was freeing and being able to have full control over my life was really important to me. I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted. Exercise quickly became part of my daily routine through the campus rec center through weight training and swimming. I loved being able to escape the stress of school in the gym and workout to maintain my physical shape. Along with exercise in my daily routine also came cooking and making food for myself. I was very cautious of what I would eat and would stick to “clean” healthy foods. Things that I knew were good for me, because I didn’t want to be that person to gain the “freshman 15”. This restriction kept me from having fun and going out with my friends, I soon began to say no to experiences that would have otherwise helped me expand my circle and allowed me to try new things. I was too afraid it would hurt the way I looked and then people would think of me differently. 

In my head, I was just “being a good student” or “being responsible”, rather than thinking I was missing out on the fun. My life became so routine and I became so engulfed in fitness and eating that I turned it into my persona in my head. I thought that was who I was, the fitness girl, the one people came to when they wanted to get into working out and “eating healthy”. It was this mindset that led me to compete in a physique competition in which I spent 16 weeks restricting calories to the bare minimum and exercised 2-3 hours a day to achieve a specific body structure. 

I Was Not Okay

Although I was working with certified coaches throughout this process, my mental state was not where it was supposed to be. I was not focused on the competition aspect, I was focused on my body and solely how it looked. In a very short amount of time I was no longer able to lift weights that I used to be proud of, some days it was hard to pick up the 8lb dumbbells when I had previously done 20lbs. I told myself that this was part of the process, it was because I was trying to achieve this body goal, and although I may not be as strong as I had been it was okay because I looked strong. Before I knew it, I was cutting more calories than my coaches told me to, I was doing extra cardio sets to burn as much as I could, anything to reach that look in my mind. My body was giving my signs that it was not okay, but I didn’t listen. At some point I lost my period, I was constantly irritable with no laughter or joy, I couldn’t sleep more than 4 hours a night, but I didn’t listen because to me that was just “part of the process”. 

Over the course of those 16 weeks, I dropped 40lbs. I stayed away from my family and friends most of this time because I didn’t want to hear their nagging comments of “You’re too skinny” or “You need to eat more”, because this was the exact opposite of what I was always told so it was better to ignore it than confront the possibility of an issue. I told myself that when I stepped on that stage and competed it would all be worth it, I would feel so good and get the validation I needed. 

Hit Hard

When the day came to finally step on that stage and show off my hard work, I was frozen. The reality of everything I had done and was doing crashed on me like a wave. I thought that this would be it, everything I wanted and needed to hear, and although I did well and even placed I still felt empty and this emptiness was something I didn’t know how to fill. After my competition was over, I had no plan anymore, no sense of direction, no control. I smiled and told people that I was fine and happy with how I did, but I was not. There was always a pit in my stomach that I could not fill. So to try and fill that pit, I would eat. 

After being so restrictive for so long and so focused on my image, I could not control myself with food any longer. Anything and everything that I could eat I would. I would fill my stomach until I was in physical pain and then continue to eat because I thought I deserved to be in that pain. I would tell myself that, “it was fine to treat myself” and “it’s okay because I will be on track tomorrow”, but deep down I knew that wasn’t true and I had no control over myself. To punish myself for eating so much I would exercise profusely the following day and not stop until I felt that I had burned off the night before, but this created a cycle that I couldn’t stop, binging at night and then sweating during the day. 

The Vicious Cycle

Then came the point where I had gained so much weight that I didn’t want to be seen at the gym anymore. Clothes that used to be loose or fit me perfectly were now tight, and I was scared of others seeing that and noticing how much I had changed. In the matter of another 16 weeks, I managed to gain 50lbs back after my competition. Laxatives became my friend, it was the new thing that allowed me to continue to eat and then put my body in pain to punish myself for the food I consumed. I was in a cycle that I couldn’t break free from. I felt trapped and still empty inside with nothing to fill that void. 

I’m Done

Six months later and my brain was tired of thinking about numbers, my body was tired of constantly being on the move, I longed to be happy with life again and have a purpose outside of food. I had still avoided my parents, family and friends in fear of them seeing what I had become. It wasn’t until I received a call from my dad saying he and my mom wanted to take me out to dinner, that I saw them again. It was only a couple days away, but I was ashamed for them to see me the way I was. The thought of being afraid of what my parents thought of me was a wake up call of sorts. Rather than trying to take enough laxatives to cleanse my body, before they saw me, I decided to reach out for help. 

At the dinner table, I told my parents how I had been feeling, how I felt like I couldn’t break the cycle and I needed help. This was the best decision I could have made. My parents were concerned for me, they wanted to be there to help, they wanted me to feel good again! With their backing, I was able to reach out for help and start talking to a professional. Although it wasn’t a short process, I was finally able to recover and give my body a rest. 

Recovery, Living Daily

Everyone’s body is different, everyone goes through their own struggles, but there are people out there who want to help you get better. My recovery was 2 years long, but I had been in a negative headspace and struggling for 6 years prior. Asking for help can be hard and recovery is a process, but it is worth it in the end. 

Now I am happy with my body and I celebrate its capabilities rather than how it looks. I love food still, but I don’t feel the need to be continuously eating. The gym is my friend again, I enjoy being outdoors and connecting with nature. I am focused on all my interests, not fitting a persona based on what I think other people think of me. Most importantly, I am open with my feelings and in tune with my body, we work together now and I provide what it needs when it needs it. 

If you or a loved one is seeking help call the NEDA Hotline, 1-800-931-2237. URI also offers a number of resources to help with disordered eating through the counseling center.

It’s me, Lacey! I am the Marketing Graduate Assistant at URI Campus Rec, and am currently pursuing my Masters of Business Administration at URI, with a focus in marketing. I received my Bachelor’s Degree in Human Resource Management from Northern Kentucky University in May 2020 and was thrown right into the pandemic Corporate America. I decided before having to enter the workforce, I would stick out my time in higher education and tackle another degree while I was still in the mindset. 

I hope through my blogs, I can still relate with other students from the perspective of an older student. Writing has not always been my thing, but in the past year I have found a true release in it and hope that I can continue to share my voice on platforms such as Inside Rec Blog!