“School’s coming up, huh?” says my parents, my grandparents, friends, colleagues, and strangers. “What year are you heading into now?”

“My junior year!” I blurt out, unthinking, not processing, as the words take me aback whilst I paint on a smile to hide it. A normal question deserves a normal response.

“Wow, you’re almost there! Hopefully this year runs a little smoother than last year, with everything returning to normal,” They sigh hopefully, signaling an end to the conversation.

I muster out a short, and brief, laugh. Only I can sense the pained anxiety muddled within it. 

“Right, normal…”

I do the math in my head time and time again. I arrived on campus at eighteen, a freshman. I was there for four-ish months, maybe five? I think I turned nineteen somewhere in there. And then I was home, still as a freshman. And then I became a sophomore, but there was an entire summer between those two that I can’t seem to remember really. I stayed in my room as a sophomore, the only indication time was passing was when I looked at the leaves outside. It was still 2020, but the fall and winter are still just a little blurry, and then I was twenty, even though I still felt eighteen. I didn’t leave my house for weeks, didn’t see many people. Thinking back to life in a dorm room, life on campus, doesn’t even feel real — like a quick dream that I fabricated in my unconscious mind. And now it is summer, and I am still twenty. And you’re telling me I’m a junior now? And that somehow going back to school, going back to campus, is my “normal?” 

Well if that’s normal, then I don’t think I know what normal is anymore. And I don’t think I have a “normal.”

And I know that I’m not the only one, not the only student, who feels this way.

My college experience has been comprised of a bunch of murky memories and time stamps that have no real meaning. An entire year feels made up, whilst another somehow feels like a single day and an entire lifetime at the same time. And during it all, it seems I have been longing for a change, a change in scenery, a change in pace of life, but now that it seems to be coming, the truth is, I couldn’t be more unsure, more uncertain, and more afraid. 

I was in a meeting the other day for one of my campus jobs at Campus Recreation, and they were asking for student opinions regarding different programs they were planning for the school year. Which is completely reasonable — again, I’m a junior, and that word usually indicates that I should have a plethora of knowledge on student and campus life. But then they got to asking, and only then did it really start to hit me. 

They spoke of the pool and the botanical gardens, two spots at URI that offer so much room for activity. But when it came to voicing my own thoughts, the only thing I could think of was, “Wait, where are these places again?”

 

I had to explain my situation, explain that despite my upperclassman status, deep down, I felt as though I was an incoming freshman, needing another orientation all over again. My fears felt the same, maybe even intensified, as the thought of going back only rekindles the fresh memories of having to leave, entering a pandemic of uncertainty and tragedy. And they understood, and just like I, we wondered together how to tackle this dilemma. 

And maybe that’s all we can do, wondering. And maybe, that’s enough. We have all had to face harsh waters lately, all of us have hit some speed bumps along the way. So we should wonder and wonder together, extending our hands to anyone who needs it, including ourselves. 

I have been doing my best to stay hopeful for this upcoming school year, wanting the hopefulness to outweigh the anxiety. Here are some of the methods I have been using to help cope with this situation. 

 

Reach Out For Help

It may seem obvious, but many of us know just how hard it is to reach out to someone during a time of need. We don’t want to seem annoying, weak, or burden anyone else with our problems. And in all honesty, I still feel this way quite often. But what I try to tell myself, and even what I have found through my own experiences, is that this is rarely the case. People, especially loved ones, want to help us, and want to be there for us during our time of need. Picture if it was you, if someone you loved and cared for came to you for help, wouldn’t you do your best to be there? For me, and I think for most of us, the answer is a clear yes. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a partner, or even a colleague, let them know how you’re feeling. Because you never know, they may be feeling the same way, or have had an experience similar to your own. Just like when I spoke up during my work meeting, I was relieved by how easily and sympathetically the people around me validated how I felt. 

And if these feelings still linger when you get to school, which is completely normal if they do, URI has some great resources to reach out to for help. The Counseling Center is a great place to start, but even by joining some of the many groups, clubs, and organizations URI offers, you may find yourself surrounded by a great support system.

Engage In a Hobby

Sometimes it feels as though I am literally sitting in a bubble of anxiety, ruminating and focusing on my many worries and woes, getting sucked into the spiral of thoughts. Obviously, this doesn’t do anyone any good, and it can be quite surprising just how heavy these thoughts and feelings weigh on us. That’s why it’s so important to physically get up and out of these thoughts, to leave the environment that we were overthinking in, and to expel that energy into something else. And that truly can be whatever you want, for me it being exercise, writing, creating art, or just going outside and putting my feet in the grass. Because the truth is — and this is something that I have to remind myself time and time again — is that thinking and worrying about something to the point where you feel as though your head might explode, will never, ever, do you any good. There are so many unknowns, and not just for us students, but for everyone. We are all doing our best, and that is all we can do. I read somewhere that 99% of the things we fear, never actually happen. So, get out of your head, and go for a walk or paint something cool. It’s going to be okay. 

Get Educated, Get Involved

In a time as uncertain as now, it’s important to take advantage of the things we can control. And for a lot of us, that involves getting educated, and getting involved. I know that sounds easier said than done, so let’s break it down a little more.

For me, I am nervous to return to campus for a plethora of reasons — safety measures regarding COVID-19, doing the big adjustment all over again and for what feels like the first time, re-entering the social world, etc etc. All pretty reasonable worries to have during this time. However, I am also involved with different departments and organizations around campus, including Campus Recreation, the literary arts magazine Ether(bound), Intramural Sports, etc. So yes, these worries are still there, but I know that I have places and resources at school that I can lean on during this time, and even if nothing else, distract me from the other worries. 

URI offers such a diverse and wide range of activities and organizations, that there truly is something for everyone. Take advantage of the first week activities that happen on campus, where you can go out and explore to find the ones you are interested in!

Maybe I’m alone in these feelings, and that other students don’t feel as uncertain and nervous as I do — and that’s totally okay too, even preferred. But if by chance you are feeling the same, and there’s no shame in that, then I am here to say that I hear you, and I see you. This past year or so has not been the kindest to us all, and for some, including me, has required a lot of discomfort, and uncomfortable growth. But we just have to have the hope, and the courage, to realize that perhaps not all uncertainty is bad, and that our worst fears most likely will not come true. This could be the best year of your life, of our lives, and we don’t even know it yet. But despite all of this, I leave you with this — know that you are never alone, you will meet people who are going to change your life for the better, and perhaps most importantly, continue to speak up.

 

Hi! My name is Kendall and I am a junior at the University, studying Creative Writing, Graphic Design, Business Innovation & Entrepreneurship, and Japanese! I am a Graphic Designer for Campus Rec, and although it is my first year working here, I already love it so much as it fits perfectly into my fields of study! Something interesting about me; I have been a model for about three years, being lucky enough to have even walked in New York Fashion Week! In my free time, I enjoy copious amounts of time spent outside, or playing with my puppy Mose.