URI Couple & Family Therapy Clinic director shares advice to help couples avoid stress and pressure of Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day can be a fun, romantic way to share your love with your partner and let them know how special they are to you. But for some couples — especially those whose relationship may already have a rocky foundation — Valentine’s Day can add an extra layer of pressure and stress, potentially even putting a relationship in jeopardy.

So what is the right way to celebrate? How do you express your love for your partner without applying undue pressure and adding stress to the relationship? Much depends on the status and strength of your relationship, and the wishes of each individual. Gina MacLure, director of the URI Couple & Family Therapy Clinic, offers the following advice for couples faced with the societal pressures of Valentine’s Day:

Does Valentine’s Day put a lot of pressure on couples? Why? 

Valentine’s day can be a lot of pressure for some couples. People differ a lot on whether they like celebrating Valentine’s Day and how big of a deal to make it. Some people feel very loved when giving and receiving gifts and others do not value gift giving. These values and feelings are specific to the individual and many couples are not on the same page.

Many people have specific expectations for Valentine’s Day. These expectations, however, are often not explicitly discussed between a couple. Even if they are, if one’s partner holds different values, there may be extra pressure, fear of failure, or resentment dynamics. We often see fights coming up between couples about how much effort and thoughtfulness their partner puts into gifts or making the day special. This can bring up resentments in the relationship overall about unequal levels of effort, and not feeling cared for. 

Beyond individual values and expectations in a relationship, Valentine’s Day leads to a societal pressure to celebrate romantic relationships on a specific day in a specific way. This can be hard for people who prefer spontaneity, have a tight budget, reject commercialism or do not like the stereotypical ways society tells us to celebrate. In addition, if your relationship is already struggling, this can be particularly impactful, as it can shine a light on unmet needs, general dissatisfaction, or past hurts.

Couples that are not in distress with strong communication and planning skills often handle Valentine’s Day pressure the best.

What is the best way to celebrate?

In my opinion, a great way to celebrate Valentine’s Day would be to establish a personal tradition. If you and your partner can come up a meaningful way to celebrate every year that works for you, regardless of societal stereotypes, it may make you even closer. Think outside the box of roses and a fancy dinner out. Maybe it is a handwritten love letter, ice-cream and romantic movies at home, or trying a new recipe with your favorite board game. Maybe it is planning together a hypothetical or actual romantic getaway sometime in the year. Maybe it is a spin on the traditional but in your own way unique and special. It can be silly, simple or unconventional. Communication and making time are the key.

If your relationship is in distress, the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day may be to put the truth on the table that things have been hard, and make a clear and simple mutual plan for the day. Try a low stakes activity like going to the movie theater for the latest comedy, or bowling. Avoiding delaying communication about the plan for the day is very important so each of you knows what to expect and so pressure does not build to the point of becoming overwhelming. Also, last-minute action can reinforce the theme that “you don’t care about me/us.”

If being alone as a couple feels too risky, you may want to make plans to do an activity (alone or with others) other than celebrating. But also consider writing letters to each other about what you do appreciate about each other, or committing trying couples counseling.

What if you are not in a relationship or have recently suffered a break-up? 

If you are not in a relationship and expect Valentine’s Day could be hard for you, I would suggest that you make a plan for the day. Invite another single friend over for something fun or plan to do something by yourself that you can look forward to.

You could also take the day to allow yourself to be in your feelings and process them through journaling, a counseling session, a sad movie for a good cry, or a meal and venting session with a caring friend or family member. It may be a day to focus on your own self-love and care.

Another way to direct your energy would be to focus on showering your most important friends, family, pets or other loved ones with love and appreciation such phone calls, cards, small gifts or, in the case of a pet, lots of pets and hugs. The focus on Valentine’s Day does not have to be romantic!

Tell us about the URI Couple and Family Therapy Clinic and who you serve. 

What clinic services might be most applicable or useful to members of the URI community? 

At the Couple and Family Therapy Clinic, we serve students, staff and the general community. We do couples’ counseling, relationship check-ups, premarital counseling, family counseling or mediation. We are the relationship experts and, whether it is conflict with your partner, parent, sibling or even roommate, we work to improve relationships, help people communicate and understand one another.

Visit the clinic’s website here for more information or to book a session with a counselor.