Content Warning: Discussing eating disorders and anxiety.

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Golden rays gloss over my skin, pale from the protective layers of winter, I take my sandals off to feel the coolness of the ground under my feet.

Laying down, I think to myself “I should go for a run tomorrow morning.” But I know it’s for all the wrong reasons. 

I take a sip of my now warm water, to feed my hunger and I think about how nice it would be to go inside and get a piece of fruit. A piece of fruit is all I could allow. But I find myself glued to the blanket where I lay to get the perfect golden glow. 

“Maybe I’ll go on my phone to distract myself.” I’m greeted by a feeling of jealousy of other girls living their pretty lives, and ad’s cater toward my thoughts of wanting to be different than I am now. 

I may be blinded by accidentally looking into the sun too many times, or I’ve stared for too long into fun-house mirrors. 

I would be prettier if… 

I’ll love myself when…

If only I could…

Just wait a little longer…

If I looked different…

I could be happy when…

The start of summer, as exciting as it is, can bring back my bad habits with body image. I don’t think I’m alone on this. 

Bikini season is strange, and the pressure for “the beach body” is higher now more than ever. 

Any time I’ve talked to my friends about this subject it’s always a back and forth of what we wished we looked like based on what each other has. 

Those voices in your head are lying to you. “The perfect beach body” is the one that you have without having to force yourself into unhealthy exercise and eating habits. 

They tell you to work with your best angles, to look just the perfect amount of thin in your summer photos. 

They tell you that you’re not good enough and to starve yourself, and eat as little as you can. Which only makes you want to eat more. 

When you give in to the hunger pains, the guilt sets in, and you feel like a failure of your own twisted goals. 

I know I am not alone in those who feel trapped in this toxic cycle. What helps me, might not help everyone but this is what I do to help get me out of this mindset. 

First, exercise is good. Exercise is supposed to help you make you feel stronger, so after a workout if you have prolonged feelings of exhaustion or lightheadedness, you might not be getting enough nutrients.

Eating something small right before or after exercise can help subside these feelings. Try eating some fruit or nuts. 

Within an hour after a workout, eat a substantial amount of food. You should replenish yourself with protein, carbohydrates, and vitamins. 

Stay hydrated throughout your day. Drink plenty of water, It helps digest food, especially, when you’re increasing how much food you eat. 

Another thing I do to get past these intrusive thoughts is to journal. The more the thoughts live in your head, the more they take up space there. If you write them down and then acknowledge them as lies, it can help you get past the feeling of being frozen. 

Lastly, talk to someone about these feelings. My parents are big cheerleaders of mine when I finish a plate of food. Whoever you decide to tell can be on your side. And it is better to receive the help you need than to suffer in silence.